If you have more than one child, chances are they've hit each other. I know I got whacked more than a time or two by my sisters, and I certainly got in a few good punches of my own. But I'm raising my kids to be better than I was, so hitting is not something we tolerate in our house.
Little kids are 99% emotion, 1% self control, so it's normal to see a toddler or preschooler get angry and lash out. Most of the time, a quick intervention is enough to defuse the situation. Stepping in right way, encouraging the child to "use your words," and helping them to apologize to the one they've hurt can be all that is needed. However, if the behavior continues, removing the child from the situation may be required. If a child exhibits a pattern of aggressive behavior, it may be helpful to see what else is going on in the child's life that may be contributing to their out of control emotions.
One of my kids was a biter. When she was about a year old, she started biting her older sisters- a lot! It was becoming quite a problem. I tried to think of what it was that had changed in her life recently that might be causing her to act out. I realized had just weaned her and that is when the biting started. So I went back to nursing her, and the biting stopped. A month later I tried to wean her again, and the biting resumed. So I started nursing her again, and the biting stopped! I was not overly excited about continuing to breast feed this child forever, but it was obvious that the anxiety of quitting nursing was directly related to the biting. She ended up going an extra four months of nursing before she eventually weaned herself, and the biting never resumed. It was not an ideal situation by any means, but it was doable. It was definitely a minor sacrifice on my part to keep my baby happy, and my other children safe from her sharp little teeth.
When bigger kids hit it may be a sign that they are under some serious emotional distress. Pay attention to what triggers their outburst. Can you see a fight coming before it happens? Whenever possible stop the hitting before it happens. If you see your child is upset, intervene before they do something they regret, even if that means physically getting in the middle of your children. If a child is feeling frustrated, the guilt and shame of misbehavior will only make them feel worse. Step in and stop the behavior before it starts, and give your child the opportunity to express to you in words what they were about to express with their fists.
What if your kids are bigger and still hitting for no apparent reason? It may just be a bad habit or lazy coping skill. A normally happy child who is in elementary school should not be hitting. If they have the self control to go to school, make friends, sit in a chair, and learn, then they have the self control not to hit. When my oldest three were in the early elementary grades, I noticed a sudden spike in the incidents of hitting. I was shocked and saddened that my once sweet girls had taken to hitting each other. I knew making them apologize was not going to be enough to stop the behavior. A time out didn't seem like the solution either since getting away from each other was exactly what they wanted. Fortunately we quickly stumbled onto the perfect solution. Anyone who hit had to make restitution by doing that persons chores for the day. It worked like magic. The hitting immediately stopped. A one time enforcement was all it took. The first time someone hit and had to make up by doing the other persons chores, was enough to make them stop and think about whether they really wanted to hit or not.
What if your kids are bigger and still hitting for no apparent reason? It may just be a bad habit or lazy coping skill. A normally happy child who is in elementary school should not be hitting. If they have the self control to go to school, make friends, sit in a chair, and learn, then they have the self control not to hit. When my oldest three were in the early elementary grades, I noticed a sudden spike in the incidents of hitting. I was shocked and saddened that my once sweet girls had taken to hitting each other. I knew making them apologize was not going to be enough to stop the behavior. A time out didn't seem like the solution either since getting away from each other was exactly what they wanted. Fortunately we quickly stumbled onto the perfect solution. Anyone who hit had to make restitution by doing that persons chores for the day. It worked like magic. The hitting immediately stopped. A one time enforcement was all it took. The first time someone hit and had to make up by doing the other persons chores, was enough to make them stop and think about whether they really wanted to hit or not.
There were occasional set backs. Sometimes kids will be so frustrated they throw their arms out in anger and accidentally hit someone, or throw a toy that inadvertently hurts someone. We consider these accidental offenses to be the same as intentional hitting. If a child gets angry, and in their anger accidentally hurts someone, they are still punished the same. They still must make it up to the other child by doing their chores. This has helped our kids to learn to keep their emotions under control as well.
One major flaw in this system: what happens when a four year old hits a fourteen year old? I can not make my preschooler do the dishes every time he hits his big sister. This system really only works with kids who are fairly equally matched. So for younger kids hitting much older kids, other options must be employed (What those other options are, I have no idea. Please let me know if you think of any).
We have had the hitting=chores system in place for years, and it was worked perfectly for our girls. Then we had little boys, and things changed. Boys LIKE to hit. And strangely enough they often like to be hit too! It's weird. I don't get it. But they can beat each other up all day long and love it. Because of this I have had to loosen my definition of what fighting looks like. Times when I would have definitely stepped in with my girls, I find myself holding back with my boys. In fact I'm learning that hitting is often how boys resolve things all by themselves, and it's actually a good thing.
My boys have a system they call "Best Shot" that they invented to resolve conflict. If one of them is upset, and the other is trying to make restitution (and they don't want Mom or Dad involved!) they offer the other person a Best Shot. A Best Shot is one free, unblocked hit to the chest. The greater the offense, the more Best Shots are offered. For example, if the boys are playing rough and one accidentally hurts the other, the offender will offer his brother a Best Shot to help him feel better about being hurt. The hurt child delivers one big (but controlled) hit to his brother, and they both go back to playing happily. When I first saw this play out, I was a little bit horrified. But the more I see it, the more completely amazed I am at how brilliantly it works. They are not out of control and hitting each other. They are in fact very in control. They are not hitting back in anger. They are very calm as they negotiate the number of best shots. The offender is learning to make restitution. Both are learning to be fair. A Best Shot is always delivered in a very controlled way, and never escalates to more hitting. And the best part is they invented it themselves and carry it out without any parental intervention.
Now I'm not suggesting that you teach your kids to hit each other back. I'm just saying that boys have a different way of settling things. If your kids are resolving issues on their own, great! Let them! After all, isn't that what we want? Kids who can learn to solve their own problems?
Does the first half of this post seem to contradict the second half? Welcome to parenthood. All kids are different, and sometimes you have to treat them that way.
Marcia
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