Everyone worries about the self esteem of the stay-at-home-mom. Articles are written telling her how valuable she is. Mommy groups are formed so she can stay connected to other people like her. Everyone cheers for the stay-at-home-mom. And they should.
But today, a new creature is growing in numbers: the stay-at-home-dad. As the economy changes, families are making tough choices that weren't required even just a decade ago. And while it has always been natural for mothers to stay home with their kids, it hasn't been the norm for fathers. Now more and more dads are home with their kids while the mother is out working, and they are doing a great job! We've come an infinitely long way from the comical errors of Michael Keaton in Mister Mom. So today I'd like to take a few minutes and praise my family's own stay-at-home-dad.
Until a year ago, I had been a stay at home mom for the past fourteen years. My oldest is a freshman in high school, and my youngest just started kindergarten. About a year ago, my husband decided to go back to school. He is taking night and weekend classes, so he could technically still work full time and go to school. We worried, however, about the stress of holding down a job and earning a masters degree at the same time. So we made a choice we never anticipated making. We decided that I would go to work and support the family for these two years while he is in school, and he would stay home and take care of the kids.
I will admit that it was very scary at first. I honestly wasn't sure he could do it. Could he get the kids to school on time? Would they look like refugees when they got there? Could he get them to doctor's appointments and baseball practice? Would he be able to find backpacks and mittens? I had done everything for my kids, and I was hesitant to hand over the reins. When our oldest daughter was just a baby, I tried to keep working. I left our then one-year-old home with my dear husband. When I came home, I found her sitting on top of the T.V. crying because she couldn't get down, and he was sound asleep on the couch. Not one of his better moments. That one incident was enough to convince me that I should be home with the kids and he should be out working. But that was a long time ago, so with a bit of apprehension and a whole lot of faith we moved forward. And the truth is he is fantastic! Really truly fantastic!
Not only are the kids getting dressed, being fed, and going to school every day, but they are happy too! He talks to their teachers. He knows their friends. He arranges play dates. He is involved and engaged in everything they do. I went to a birthday party with my child recently and I didn't know a single parent there, but they all asked about my husband by name. Has it been tough to let go of the power that comes with being the all-knowing parent? Yes. Does he do things exactly like I would? No. But that's a good thing. He does things his way, and the kids are better for it. It's good for them to see that there is more than one way to get things done. He also started grocery shopping and cooking - two things I hate! So I come home from work to a great home cooked meal that is better than anything I would have made myself. A girl could get used to this!
A few months into our arrangement, a friend of ours was looking for a regular baby-sitter and my husband volunteered. So besides having our preschooler home, three days a week he now had another four-year-old, a two-year-old, and a newborn! I couldn't help laughing ever day when I'd come home from work and find him literally buried in small children. And I nearly cried at the thought of him unbuckling/unloading/carrying in/carrying out/re-loading/re-buckling all four little kids every day when he went to drop off and pick up our son at preschool. But he did it! And he kept doing it, again, and again, and again like a boss! He has changed countless diapers, made countless bottles, wiped countless boogers.... you get the picture. And he not only does it all without complaint, but he isn't looking for any thanks either. He does it because he is a dad, and that's what dads do.
A lot of men build their self-esteem around the amount of money they earn and whether they feel like they are a good enough provider. When a man is not working, it can be a serious blow to their ego. Often they feel useless and degraded. My husband has always been a fierce supporter of my stay-at-home status. Now that it is his turn to be home, if he were to complain about not being a valuable member of our family, I would be tempted to question his sincerity about how valuable he thinks I am when I am not working outside the home. But he's not pouting or complaining, he's thriving! And his success at home reaffirms to me how valuable my time at home these past fourteen years have been. When I come home from work he fills me in on all the details of the fun that happened that day, the number of games of UNO he got to play, the boo-boos he's kissed, the funny things said by the tiny members of our kindergarten carpool, and everything else. And it is wonderful. He is wonderful.
So to all you stay-at-home-daddies out there, you have my respect and my gratitude. You're doing a really good thing. You are my hero.
Marcia
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