When my oldest was little, I couldn't wait for her to turn three so I could sign her up for ballet. I loved buying her first pair of ballet shoes. She was so cute in her little leotard. Two nights a week we drove to class a half an hour away. I took pictures at every practice. As I watched her tip toe her way across the dance floor, I was convinced that she was definitely a star in the making. I'm not going to say she was the best in her class, but she was definitely in the top 5%. She could follow directions, she knew first AND second position, and she could almost skip! On the day of her first recital all of our extended family within an hour's drive came to watch this fabulous performance. She was amazing! I never doubted whether signing her up for ballet was worth the time or money we spent. Talent like that deserves to be nurtured from a young age in order to reach its full potential!
Ten years and four more kids later.....
Life is exponentially more complicated with every new child you add to the mix. It's not just a question of can we afford this sport? But rather can we even make it to practice if we have to drop off your brother at his game on the other side of town at the exact same time? When you sign that permission slip you aren't just wondering if your daughter will like it enough to stick with it for the full season, but whether your toddler can handle sitting still through an hour of practice (always right in the middle of dinnertime!) three nights a week while mommy is nursing a baby in the bleachers?
In a few weeks my kids are going to start coming home from school with a million invitations to join this team or that club. And my children will likely tell me that this is the club or team they've been dying to join forever and ever, and all their friends are doing it, and they will love me forever if I let them join, and they'll never ask for another thing as long as they live, and can we do it please, please, please, please! In a perfect world, we'd have the time and money to do anything and everything we want. But life on Earth is finite, so we have to make choices. I choose sanity. I try to let my kids participate in as many activities as my sanity can handle and my wallet can afford. When either of those run out, we stop. There are lots of good things in this world that my kids will never get to experience. And that's okay. As my children have gotten older, I've learned to appreciate extra curricular activities for what they really are: extras.
If I sign my kids up for gymnastics, it's not because I am hoping to raise future Olympians. I sign them up because I want them to learn work ethic, cooperation, to enjoy physical exercise, to follow directions, and a million other things that can be learned through clubs and sports. However, these all happen to be things that they can learn at home too (it just may not be as much fun to learn teamwork with your sibling as it is to learn it on the field with your friends). So if we can find a way to let them participate, we will. But if we can't, it's not the end of the world. They will still grow up just as happy and well-adjusted as all those kids whose moms took them to soccer six nights a week for fourteen straight years.
So what do we do and how do we decide? I wish I had a magic formula here, but every situation is unique and really has to be assessed one activity at a time. But here are a few of the things to take into consideration before signing up or saying yes:
Can more than one child participate in this activity? If you can have two kids on the same team, that's twice the fun, for half the commitment. Half the time. Half the gas money. Half the stress. The more kids who are actually participating in a particular activity, the less kids you have to keep happy on the sidelines while you wait (or to keep from licking the studio windows). Plus many sports and classes offer a family discount when more than one child participates. Often I will have one of my kids play up or down a level so that they can be on the same team as a sibling.
Can I join a carpool? I LOVE a good carpool! Of all the things that make my life better, carpooling is at the top of the list. If I can find a neighbor whose kids want to do the same activity as mine, that is a rare and precious gem! A carpooling buddy is often the difference between saying yes or no to any given activity. I can't be everywhere at once, so if another parent can, great! When my kids ask to join an activity, I always ask them first who else is doing it?
Am I getting enough bang for my buck? Not all leagues are created equally. I am not worried that my kids have the best coaches and compete at the highest level - remember we aren't going to the Olympics, but I do want them to get plenty of play time for the money we pay. To me a one day cheer camp for $50 isn't as great a deal as an entire season of soccer for the same price. I always divide the price by the number of classes/games/whatever they get to participate in. Most private lessons are going to be at least $20 an hour, but the local parks and rec department likely offers something similar for less then $5 an hour. Swim team cost costs $40 and they get to swim 45 times. That's a good return. Gymnastics is $15 a week for one class. Not so good. Not every activity can be judged by it's cost alone, but it is always good to look at this when you are weighing one activity against another.
Do the kids really want it? Kids don't know what they want. They don't! So just because they say it, doesn't mean they mean it. The first day my kids ask to do an activity, I ignore it. The second day they mention it, I make a mental note that they may be interested. The third day they mention it, I start looking around for local opportunities to participate in. It's not until the fourth or fifth time they mention it, that I actually start considering whether this is a doable option or not. It is also easy to confuse what your kids want with what you want. If you always wanted to play football (or soccer, or piano, or ballet, or bagpipes) but your parents never let you, then you might accidentally assume that your son wants to play football too when he really doesn't. My kids had the opportunity to take Irish dancing lessons. As proud descendants of Ireland, I thought it would be exceptionally fun for them. My kids were only mildly interested. I offered to sign them up several times, but only got a weak reply of, "sure, I guess, whatever." So I decided not to do it. As I watched the enormous amount of time and money the other families spent on their Irish dance habit, I was glad I hadn't forced my kids into something that they were only mildly interested in.
Can they do it at school for free? There are two great benefits to doing activities through the school. The first is that you only have to drive one way. And if you were planning to pick your child up from school anyway, it may not even be an extra drive at all. It may simply be the same drive you were already going to take, but just an hour later. When kids are little, this isn't usually an option, but now that my children are getting older, I love that they are able to participate in a variety of sports, academic and musical clubs. The second benefit is that it is typically free, or at least much cheaper. And if you still can't afford something, the school will often have a program to help fund lower income students who want to participate. Also, if a team does move on to compete at the state or national level (which happens to my kids a lot! Hey, it's my blog I can brag if I want to), there are a lot of fundraising opportunities already in place to help parents with the financial burdens of competition.
What else is this particular child doing? Some kids will want to do every activity and never tire of any of it. But it isn't practical for an entire family to revolve around one child's schedule. If your child is wanting to add another activity to their schedule, ask them if they are willing to give up an activity they are already doing (I don't mean quitting here, we never quit. I just mean not signing up for the next season/session/whatever). If they aren't willing to give up something for the new activity they are asking for, then they don't want it badly enough. Help your child understand that there are too many good things in the world to do all of them, and then help them to prioritize their desires.
Marcia
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