What is the key to having your spouse take a cold lunch to work, rather than eating out at a restaurant? (Especially if he dislikes sandwiches?)

Great question!  Actually it's two great questions. The first is How do I get my husband onboard with our thrifty lifestyle?  And the second is What can I put in a sack lunch besides sandwiches?

I'll address the first question here and let Kate tackle the second question in a later post.

So if the question is how to  make your husband conform to your thrifty ways, the answer is: you don't.

He's a grown up.  It's not your job to make him do anything.  If he wants to eat out every day of the week, he can.  It may completely destroy your budget, but it's his choice. 

So what can you do?  Let's look at three possibilities.  You can nag, retaliate, or communicate.

I know for me, my first line of action is always nagging.  Why did you buy that? Don't you know we are on a budget?  We had perfectly good left overs in the fridge!  I'm home eating ramen noodles with the kids while you're eating out.  My husband once came home from school with a 75 cent bag of chips in his hand, and I nearly came unglued telling him all the reasons he was selfish for buying that bag of chips.  I could have used a coupon and that same 75 cents to buy a bag of chips for the whole family to enjoy!

As you can imagine, this is not very effective.  It is hurtful and selfish.  It is selfish to believe that things must be done a certain way and to hold other people accountable to your own standards.

So the next option is retaliation.  We all know couples who do this.  The husband gets to go out to eat at work, so the wife feels she deserves a treat too, so she goes shopping.  The husband sees that his wife just bought herself some new shoes, so he feels he is justified in buying himself a new set of golf clubs.  The husband is always golfing, so the wife decides it's only fair for her to get to go on a trip with her friends for the weekend.  These purchases continue to escalate resulting in maxed out credit cards and plenty of hurt feelings.

So if nagging and retaliatory spending won't work, what will?  Talking.  Compromising.  Goal setting.  Prioritizing.  Cooperating.  Listening.  Forgiving.  Sacrificing.  Communicating.  Sharing.

When dealing with a family budget, it is easy to focus too much on the money part and overlook the people and relationships involved.  The point of having a budget is not for the money's sake, it's for the sake of making your family's life simpler and happier.

So sit down with your husband and go over your budget together and decide what is important to each of you.  Maybe meals out are a big deal to him.   Maybe that's how he connects socially at work.  If it's a priority for him then find a way to make it happen.  That may mean needing to find other areas of your budget to cut.  Perhaps you could agree on a certain amount that would be reasonable to spend on lunches out each month.  Say you agreed to $25 a month.  He can chose to go out a couple of times whenever he wants, but when the money is out for the month he knows he is brown bagging it after that.  

Some people have emotional reasons for things that we can't really guess at (and they may not even be aware of it themselves).  I'm sure there is a little boy out there right now who is looking at his friend's super cool Spiderman lunch box thinking, when I'm old enough to have my own money, I'm never bringing my lunch in a boring brown bag again.  One day that little boy will grow up and marry, and his wife will lovingly pack him a sack lunch to take to work, and in the back of his mind a little voice will be telling him that somehow he is a failure because he still carries his lunch in a brown bag.   Money = Things = Emotions.  If you can find out what is driving the emotion, you can put the money towards the right things. 

If you have already gone over your budget and come to an agreement on things, and one (or both) of you continues to break the boundaries you agreed on, then it's time to start again.  Take another look at your budget and re-evaluate your priorities.  If you can't stay in your budget, then it's not the right budget for you.  Loosen things here, tighten things there.  Keep adjusting until you find the right fit.  And remember relationships last forever, money doesn't, so keep your focus in the right place.

Marcia


P.S. If you are really lucky, and the only reason your husband is eating out is because he hates sandwiches, than stay tuned for a post from Kate filled with great ideas for thinking outside of the bread!