What Do Kids Really Want?

We live in a culture that increasingly caters to the wants of children.  Years ago children were given very little and it was always at the whim of their parents.  Now kids seem to get everything they want and a whole lot more.

It's natural to want to make your kids happy, but giving them what they ask for is rarely the best way to make them happy for two reasons.

1. Happiness doesn't always come from getting what you want. 
2. Kids don't actually know what they want.

The first one is pretty obvious to most adults.  Most of us realize by now that you make your own happiness, and it isn't something you buy from the store.

The second one isn't quite as obvious, so I'll give you an example to demonstrate.  Last week I was at the grocery store with my five year old (he is by far my most persuasive child).  He saw a RedBox and asked if we could get a movie.  I couldn't think of a good reason to say no, so I said yes.  Together we looked through the list of movies.  I found one I thought he would like.  He found one he thought he would like.  He didn't think he would like the one I chose, and held firm to the idea that he would like his choice better.  When we got home I put in his choice first.  It was so boring and terrible, he only made it about ten minutes before he wandered off.  He never finished that movie.  Then I put in the movie I chose for him.  He watched the whole think and thoroughly enjoyed it.  My point?  Kids don't actually know what they want.  Just because they have strong opinions doesn't mean they know what they want.

I want my kids to be able to make good choices.  I want them to be equipped to make their own decisions as adults.  So how do you help them learn to make good choices when they don't even know what they want?

Put boundaries around their choices.

You already do this naturally.  If you are feeding your kids lunch, you might ask Do you want crunchy peanut butter or creamy?  You don't say What do you want for lunch? and then give them full reign of the kitchen.  You say Do you want to wear red pajamas or blue pajamas?  Not Wear whatever you want even if it's a swim suit.

As kids get older they will have to make their own choices from a much broader range of choices.  So let them put their money where their mouth is.  My kids (even my very responsible "good" teenagers) beg for a pack of gum every time we walk into the grocery store.  But as soon as I say, Sure, just use your own money, they magically don't want gum anymore.  If they are willing to spend their money on it, there is a much greater chance that they actually want the thing they are asking for.  And if they make a bad choice, they suffer for it (not you), so they are far more likely to learn for it.

Bottom line: Kids don't know what they want.  Two good ways to help them learn what they want is to give them boundaries to choose within and letting them use spend their own money.


Marcia