How Do You Have More Kids?

We occasionally get "fan mail", which we LOVE, and we recently received the following letter:

Dear Kate and Marcia,

I am a mother of 3 darling, fun, rambunctious kids under 6.  I grew up in a family of only three children--I had two little sisters.  On your website it says we can write you with any questions.  So I have kind of a big question. :)

I guess I'm just wondering how to have a big family.  Growing up in such a small family, I just can't fathom how I would handle the stress and busyness and dividing my time and attention with more than three kids.  I would really like to add to our family (I think 5 is my limit) and to me 5 is a big family ;)  But I also just don't know what I would be getting myself into.  I wish I could be a bug on a wall in a big family's home so I could learn all the tricks of the trade.  I don't even know where to start....

I guess I just need some encouragement or advice or some mental/emotional how-to's.  I know I could easily love more children but I am such an introvert and definitely need time alone to regroup and recharge my battery.  I'm just so worried that if I have more children I will lose any self-care time I have (which isn't much) and go crazy. 

I want to be a good mother and I want to have as many children as I can.  I hope I haven't reached my limit, but I'm not sure if I could handle more children.

 

Dear Reader,

We hear you, and we totally know what you're feeling.  We feel it too.  We felt it before baby number one, and we still feel it after baby number five and six.  The fact that you have these doubts about your limits as a parent is probably a good indicator that you are a great mom.  You take your parenting responsibilities seriously and understand the important and sacred role you play in your family.  So take a big breath (and maybe a bowl of ice cream) and relax.  You're on the right track, and you're doing great!

So before we talk about the How of big families, let's talk about the Why.  Why do you want to have more children?  We believe that children are a blessing, and each one brings more joy to the family.  But we are still human, and everyone has their limits.  We all have a limit to the number of children we can lovingly raise.  We don't know what that limit is for you.  We honestly don't know what that limit is for either of us.  But God knows.  So listen to Him.  

There are a lot of voices that will try to advise you about the size of your family, and the best way to sort through them is by the tools they use.  Guilt: if you think you should have more kids just because you should, you probably shouldn't.  That's Satan tyring to guilt you into taking on more than you can handle or at least trying to make you feel bad about what you are already doing right.  Fear: if you think you shouldn't have more kids because you are scared it will be too hard, that's Satan too.  He loves to use fear even more than he uses guilt.  Don't let either tactic sway you in either direction.  Love: if you want more children because you love the ones you have and feel there is room in your heart to love more, that is a very good sign.

It's obvious from your letter that this is where you are at right now.  You love your children.  You think you could love more.  But you're scared that your body and mind will give out before your heart does.  Right?  But remember back when you had your first baby, and you felt like you'd never sleep again.  It was so hard, and you were so tired, and you wondered how people with two babies ever survived.  Remember that?  Yet here you are.  You did it!  And not just once.  You did it again!  It hasn't been easy.  And you've felt like  you were on the verge of losing control more than a million times.  But you're still here.  Your kids are alive, and happy, and well fed.  You're doing it!  Way to go!  Way to GO!!! 

So when you look down the road and try to picture what it will be like to have four or five kids, and you just can't imagine how complicated and exhausting it must be, that's okay.  Ten years ago, could you have imagined what your life would be like today?  Could you have imagined how happy you would be despite going years without ever being able to sleep through the night or use the bathroom in privacy?  Of course not.  You are a new person.  A better person.  You have grown so much!  Yes, your life it harder.  But you are infinitely stronger as well.  You have grown to meet the challenge, and you will grow again as each new child blesses your family.

What are you getting yourself into?  Some of the hardest stuff is yet to come.  Dealing with school, and teachers, and bullies.  Juggling elementary school band concerts with toddler nap times.  Pre-teen drama.  Boys.  Girls.  Driving.  College.  But guess what?  You are already going to get to deal with all of that whether you have more kids or not.  So at this point, you aren't really facing anything new, you are just facing it again, and with a slightly larger crew.  And remember, your small children today will be your big kids tomorrow.  They will play games with your toddler while you put a new baby to sleep.  They will help make their own sack lunches and put away their own laundry.

Also remember, when you are thinking about the future, you are looking down the timeline of your life: seeing every possible hurdle and struggle all at once, all stacked up on top of one another.  In reality, you get to live life one day at a time.  One happy, fulfilling, challenging, heartbreaking, joyous day at a time.  Not everything gets thrown at you all at the same time.  And not all of what you can imagine will even happen in the first place, anyway.
 

So whether you are growing and learning along with three kids or six kids, either way, you will be tried, and stretched, and blessed in ways that are completely unimaginable to you right now.  You will learn to let the dishes sit in the sink while you play one more round of Uno with a preschooler.  You will learn how completely unnecessary matching socks are.  You'll learn that you can sleep through the sound of  little boys bouncing a basketball off the side of the house right outside your bedroom window, but the sound of a single baby cough can wake you up in the dead of night.  And you'll learn that the old cliche is true, love doesn't divide, it multiplies.

Bottom line, when it comes to the little things, surround yourself with good friends who can offer advice, a listening ear, and an open home when you need a time-out for yourself.  And when it comes to the big things, pray.  Pray before you decide to bring that new child into your family, and pray every day afterwards.  With God's wisdom and your hands, you can do great things.

With love,

Marcia and Kate

It's amazing how quickly two become three becomes four becomes five...