Finding time for One

Disclaimer: I do not have all the answers.   My husband and I screw up all the time.  Our kids need a lot of attention, and they don't always feel like they get it.   But we keep trying.  So here is a small sample of what we've tried.

Being one in a crowd can be tough on kids.  Parents of big families know that finding time to spend one on one with your child can feel almost impossible sometimes.  I've already told you about our kid dates, but a once or twice a month outing isn't likely to be enough to keep a parent/child relationship going strong.  So what else can you do to make sure your kids are getting enough adult interaction?

Daily Alone Time
When kids get home from school, they often want a lot of attention to decompress from the day. When a whole pack of kids gets home at the same time, it can be difficult to give everyone the time they need.  Tired little feelings are quickly hurt when kids feel like mommy isn't listening to me, or I was talking first and he interrupted me, etc.  So we invented Daily Alone Time (DAT).  Everyday when the kids get home from school, they sit down at the table for a snack, then we (me or my husband depending on who is home) call them into another room for a one on one talk.  Youngest goes first for obvious reasons.  We talk for five or ten or fifteen minutes, however long they need to get out the events of the day.  Some kids could talk for hours, so they have to have a timer to cut them off.  It doesn't take a lot of time, but it does slow down the flood of noise and information that comes in the door every afternoon, and helps the kids feel like they are being heard.

Extended Family (or super kind, older neighbors)
Our kids never get as much one-on-one adult time as they'd like.  So whenever possible, we try to let them spend time with other loving adults in their lives.  I have parents and siblings who live relatively close by.  A day spent at Grandma's house just to hang out, can be a great change of pace for an older child who is feeling burnt out by younger siblings.  Even if they do nothing but go about their daily activities, the child will feel happy to be included.  I know one of Kate's daughters had an adopted "grandma" who doted on her and gave her tons of the one-on-one attention she craved.  No matter how good your intentions are, statistics show that parents spend less and less time with each additional child in the family.  So while you look for ways to spend more time with your children, don't be afraid to look for other opportunities for your child to spend quality time with other trusted adults too.

Seize the Moment
It is easy to get caught up in managing the group as a whole.  Everyone come to dinner.  Everyone go do your chores.  Everyone get ready for bed. Any opportunity you have to make contact with your child on an individual level is golden. Don't miss those 90 second opportunities to stop what you are doing and look your child in the eye.  Chances are they aren't asking for a large chunk of your time.  They just want a moment to know that you are really listening to them.

I feel like there is a lot more to say here, but my kids are in the room begging me to get off the computer and spend time with them, so....  Kate's going to take over for a minute - her kids are already in bed, thanks to the time zone difference!

Marcia


Seize the Moment, Part 2
This for me is how I do most of my one-on-one time with my kids.  I am not super good at doing Parent/Child Dates, but I am pretty good at grabbing the moments as they come.  If dinner is almost ready, I invite ONE of my kids to come help me finish up (or just sit in the kitchen and talk, if "helping" translates into "work" for that child).  If I have a load of towels to fold, I'll bring the laundry basket to where ONE of my kids is sitting alone, and we'll have a 5 minute conversation.  If my oldest is still up doing homework when the other kids are already in bed, I'll make two bowls of ice cream and sit down with her.

Pay Attention to Who Isn't Demanding Your Time
Every family has at least kid who is the "easy one".  You know which one I'm talking about.  The one who generally does what they're told, doesn't toe the line, isn't usually the instigator of fights... and doesn't demand your attention.  They can so easily get lost in the shuffle, because they're not the loudest voice, and they don't make waves that require you to pay extra attention to them.  So make a special effort to seek out that child, and spend a few minutes with him.  Get off the phone when she's sitting next to you in the car.  Ask him how his day was, and don't let her answer get lost in the noise of the others.

Every Kid Has His Day (or Night)
One pretty easy way to grab a few minutes with each of your kids is to assign them each a day, and then let them stay up 15 minutes past their normal bedtime.  You don't have to do this every day of every week, but you can if you want.  You could just do it for a week (however many days it takes to get through your kids), and then again next month.  The magic of this is that after the first round of "bedtime", generally all of your little (read: especially attention-demanding) kids will be in bed, so even if you have other kids still up during one child's special evening, you can still direct all of your attention in the right direction.

There are lots of ways to find a minute here and a minute there, so grab on when you find them!

Kate